I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
