Will you blow on my dice?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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