I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
