Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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