take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
