I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
