roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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