3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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