talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Terrible idea I love it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize