Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I know her cup size but not her name....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize