I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
