So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
