my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
