I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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