i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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