we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
