I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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