um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
