Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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