found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
