My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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