So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize