she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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