Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
