yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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