I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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