Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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