I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
