Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
