a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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