I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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