I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize