So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
