I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
