what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
