I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
