i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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