Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I need to calm my uterus...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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