There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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