I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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