I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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