Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
