I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
my shit smells like andre
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
