If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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