some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
