the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
