But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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