In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Randomize
