He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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