Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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