??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
