I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Blood and glitter go together right?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize