we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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