Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize