I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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