I will die if light touches me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
