I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
