wrigley field is MILF paradise
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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