last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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